Disengaged Woman

bitching to myself.

I have made some lists. Here they are. September 19, 2009

Filed under: 1 — Auma Afton @ 9:00 pm
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1. Things I don’t like that everybody else seems to:

  1. Alan Rickman. He was okay as Snape in those stupid just like every other movie made out of a book movies. But otherwise, EH. Just eh. Also the video linked below really rubs me the wrong way. Alan Rickman is not sexy, and if he was just wandering down the street that woman would not begin to rub up against him sexually. Why do old British actors always look so fuddy? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlVXvZUTjIs
  2. Cilantro. It just tastes horrible. My friend says I’m full of shit, because I am not a super taster like she is, and cilantro doesn’t bother her. But I can’t smell whatever it is you smell, and I’m not trying to say I’m special or better, just that if you feed me cilantro I will stab you in your sleep.
  3. Labyrinth. Lets watch a pedophile do pedophile things in a kids movie.
  4. American Idol. Why is it that we take so much pleasure in watching other people beaten to an emotional pulp by some jerk who could not make it on his own, obviously, or else why would he be a judge on a stupid TV show? And they only like the generic sounding people. That sells, I get it. But do we need an entire television show built around finding more generic sounding singers? Apparently so.
  5. Pale Ale. I like beer, but I do not like Pale Ale.
  6. The Twilight series. Because the vampires sparkle.
  7. Matthew Mcconaughey.
  8. The Goonies. I think it’s because I didn’t grow up watching it.
  9. Jim Carrey.

2. And to balance it out… things I DO like:

  1. Falling in love the right way
  2. Seeing old friends
  3. Running [I’m just getting into it… it’s great]
  4. Sex, of course.
  5. Discovering a band I hadn’t heard of before.
  6. Playing the guitar and the piano
  7. Working hard at or for something. So much more satisfying.
  8. Cleaning. Because I’m a dork x]
  9. Bessie Smith when it’s raining.
  10. Rainy weather in general.
  11. HALLOWEEN! I’m so excited.
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god the grammar fiend. September 17, 2009

Filed under: Sex, Dating, Body Image — Auma Afton @ 5:37 pm

1. I want http://www.burnmybiscuits.com/ ‘sss hair. Or face, or both, I can’t decide.

2. The weather. I wish it would rain, I so so very much wish it would just rain, please.

3. Holy capitalization. Did I capitalize jesus and god in those posts? Or did the internet do it, or wordpress, or god maybe himself because he’d care so much. Feel free to tell me why I’m not crazy.

 

“But you might see my package!” September 16, 2009

Filed under: 1,Sex, Dating, Body Image — Auma Afton @ 7:16 pm
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1. If I could have any random, non-existent ability, it would be the ability to take a picture of a memory I have, and print it out through my mouth. Or, maybe, since I already have this oddity of a mind, I could send the pixels through the air and into my computer and then print it off from there, thus avoiding inevitable paper cuts on my lips.

The specific memory I’ve always wished I had a picture of, is mr. paranoia sitting hunched over in the creek on a submerged log in just his holy boxers, smoking his someteenth cigarette. mm.

2. I’ve always been good at getting guys to take their clothes off in public places. Actually, I think most women would be good at that if they put any effort into it. Guys are natural nudists. And usually horny. Most of the time I keep my clothes on, but it’s less of a tease thing than that. You just needed to put some effort into it too! If I wasn’t attracted to you, I wouldn’t be opting for clothes removal, and if I’m attracted to you there’s a fairly good chance something will happen, unless you decide to hang around my porch at 3 in the morning, at the time unbeknowst to me, and when I later object, accuse me of not being a true fan of the movie Amelie.

 

Me and my stupid problems

1. I introduce to you: Mr. B. He likes me just the way I am, I know, because I haven’t been anything but myself around him.

2. This is unnerving. Because I’m not doing anything specifically to make him like me. I do nothing, and he likes me, and I feel like I have no control over the situation, and that makes anxious.

3. In the past, I’ve been able to pin point the things I’ve done that seemed to make a guy like me, because they were things I didn’t normally do. I was a slightly different person with everyone, and I could easily point out what made each person different.

But here I am, totally, vulnerably, myself. I don’t even know how that happened, it wasn’t like I have gone into all these relationships thinking “this is the person I’m going to be.” I just become someone, inadvertently, and end up keeping at it because I feel like I ought to be consistent. And then for some reason, this time, I just did the things that I would do, said the things that I would say, was quiet when I would be, and loud when I would be, and was unabashedly dorky and stupid, and lo and behold, I was not thrown from a great height in disgust.

4. It’s great to see, in black and white, how very little control I have over my actions.

5. The word “ought” should be used more often in US.

 

Yes, I’m terrible at my job. Thanks for asking.

Filed under: 1,Frustrations — Auma Afton @ 12:37 pm
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1. People who hear about what I do and ask me if I’m any good at it.
“Oh, is that what you do? Are you the type who does it crappily or do you do it the way I want you to do it? Let me tell you about the time I had a bad experience with someone who did the same job as you.”

2. My favorite time was when I told my dentist, and he immediately shoved both of his hands into my mouth and bitched a 20 minute monologue about his experiences with “my sort,”, giving me no chance to respond or stand up for myself. His complaints involved him having to do things such as walk 4 extra feet, and I have to say, maybe it’s good I couldn’t respond, because I’ve noticed him getting pudgier each time I go in for a cleaning, and I may have had to comment. It’s always best not to insult those about to poke your gums with pointy metal things.

3. At least I do my endless bitching in such a way that people can stop reading if they don’t want to listen to me anymore.

 

Well punch me in the balls and call me Nancy.

Filed under: Frustrations — Auma Afton @ 3:04 am
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1. I met my friend’s new boyfriend the other day. I ring the doorbell. My friend’s brother answers, obviously thrown by my presence. “Hey. oh, hey…” he says, confused. I smile, and say I’m here to see my friend.¬† he says “…okay..” and graciously invites me to walk through the door. I wait in the front entrance, hear him announce that as everyone has probably figured out, I’m here. I hear my friend tell new boyfriend he should probably put some clothes on. She comes out to the front entrance and tells me about some of her medical problems.

2. We played Catan, a game which sounded horribly complicated and for only the greatest, most comprehending minds of our generation until I actually played it, at which point I learned it was overly simple and fun only in the sense that anytime anybody asked someone to trade and the other person said “no,” new boyfriend would burst out laughing, making the entire event pretty jovial. Can an event be jovial?

3. New boyfriend soon enough lost a billion points by holding out the plastic wrapped package of cards to me, and saying “do you have nails sweetheart?” Sweetheart? “Um…no?” I reply confidently, checking to make sure, while simultaneously and accidentally taking the cards. I spend the next 20 minutes trying to unwrap them.

4. The cards are finally unwrapped and we’re playing. New boyfriend randomly refers to me as “sweetheart” and “love” and each time I feel it is more off-putting and degrading. He is not calling his girlfriend anything. This leads me to feel that his intent is pure degradation. Still I say nothing. Why do I not say anything?

5. Friend gets up to check her phone. Comes back and tells me she just now got my text that I was coming over. Friend’s brother exclaims delightedly¬† “you didn’t know she was coming over?” He finally has proof that I am just one giant uninvited inconvenience. I say, indignantly, “She ASKED me to come over.” Friend’s boyfriend backs me up and gains back 2 of his 300 billion lost points.

6. Very mature and coherent things I thought of to say after I left:

“Can I punch you in the balls and call you Nancy? No? Then stop calling me sweetheart.”

“Thanks, honeybunch.” *cough cough*

“Do you have nails sweetheart?”
“[my name].”
“What?
“[my name]. Please call me [my name]. Dickhead.”

I think the best idea, next time, is to just tell him to call me by my real name. And leave out the dickhead.

 

Twitter and Porn September 15, 2009

Filed under: Sex, Dating, Body Image — Auma Afton @ 6:13 pm
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1. Porn actresses who look in the camera while they’re doing their thing. Why? Why would you do this? Now you’ve entirely shunted me out of my lovely “oh wow, these people are actually enjoying this, don’t even know they’re being filmed, in fact” place, so you can be all “Hey, look at me! I’m acting!” Rude.

2. Twitter…I wish I didn’t like it, but I do.

3. Follow me on Twitter, I’ll let you think dirty things about me.