1. I met my friend’s new boyfriend the other day. I ring the doorbell. My friend’s brother answers, obviously thrown by my presence. “Hey. oh, hey…” he says, confused. I smile, and say I’m here to see my friend. he says “…okay..” and graciously invites me to walk through the door. I wait in the front entrance, hear him announce that as everyone has probably figured out, I’m here. I hear my friend tell new boyfriend he should probably put some clothes on. She comes out to the front entrance and tells me about some of her medical problems.
2. We played Catan, a game which sounded horribly complicated and for only the greatest, most comprehending minds of our generation until I actually played it, at which point I learned it was overly simple and fun only in the sense that anytime anybody asked someone to trade and the other person said “no,” new boyfriend would burst out laughing, making the entire event pretty jovial. Can an event be jovial?
3. New boyfriend soon enough lost a billion points by holding out the plastic wrapped package of cards to me, and saying “do you have nails sweetheart?” Sweetheart? “Um…no?” I reply confidently, checking to make sure, while simultaneously and accidentally taking the cards. I spend the next 20 minutes trying to unwrap them.
4. The cards are finally unwrapped and we’re playing. New boyfriend randomly refers to me as “sweetheart” and “love” and each time I feel it is more off-putting and degrading. He is not calling his girlfriend anything. This leads me to feel that his intent is pure degradation. Still I say nothing. Why do I not say anything?
5. Friend gets up to check her phone. Comes back and tells me she just now got my text that I was coming over. Friend’s brother exclaims delightedly “you didn’t know she was coming over?” He finally has proof that I am just one giant uninvited inconvenience. I say, indignantly, “She ASKED me to come over.” Friend’s boyfriend backs me up and gains back 2 of his 300 billion lost points.
6. Very mature and coherent things I thought of to say after I left:
“Can I punch you in the balls and call you Nancy? No? Then stop calling me sweetheart.”
“Thanks, honeybunch.” *cough cough*
“Do you have nails sweetheart?”
“[my name]. Please call me [my name]. Dickhead.”
I think the best idea, next time, is to just tell him to call me by my real name. And leave out the dickhead.