Disengaged Woman

bitching to myself.

Yes, Even I Have Stretch Marks. June 2, 2009

1. I’m going to take a moment to rant about body types. I have to say I was inspired partially by Girl With a One Track Mind (See link to the right) and her Food post. It’s great to read something like that because it gives me hope that I’m not the only woman who eats just to eat. And I do eat, I promise. I tend to have the opposite problem she does, genetics has predestined me to be the anorexic of many an ignorant male’s life. If you had ever seen someone with such a serious eating disorder, you would know that I do not look like I’m anorexic. And the very fact that you would tell me I must be in such a pretentious, knowing tone, shows me how little you really care. It’s all about you, and it always was.

2. Although I eat, and I eat a lot, I tend to have many small meals as opposed to two or three large ones. I would eat in front of my ex all the time, but because I didn’t eat as much as he did, (him, the human garbage disposal), I obviously had a problem. He asked me directly several times if I was anorexic, usually while I was eating. I eat exactly like most people, normal speed, normal habits. I don’t pick it apart and eat random bits, spread it around so it looks like there’s less of it on the plate. I just take or order smaller portions, appetizers instead of entrees. I would answer, finishing the taco bell burrito or taking some of his fries, that he must be fucking blind because I was eating right now. Often he replied that, yes, I was eating, but I could always go into the bathroom and throw up after I was done.

First off, different eating disorder. Second, he lived in a tiny studio apartment, you couldn’t do anything in the bathroom quietly. He would have heard. I’m not sure which of us was worse, him for being such an ignorant jerk, or me for staying with him.

3. I wish it hadn’t brought me down, but after awhile you start to feel like you must look weird, stand out everywhere you go, that everyone who sees you thinks “oh my god, she’s too skinny” I AM underweight. I’m 5’3″ and I weigh about 100 pounds. I think that’s maybe 5lbs shy of what I should be? I would love to be my ideal weight, but my body isn’t letting me, and short of eating nutrient dense foods and exercising, I’m not going to hurt myself trying to become whatever I’m supposed to be for the rest of the world to leave me alone.

4. I don’t even get away with just being one of the skinny ones. I remember the first time a certain guy saw me naked, he looked down at my hips and exclaimed, “Wow, even you have stretch marks!” To his credit, he immediately realized he’d said something stupid. But I’m too skinny, too stretched, and now too naked because I’m feeling less confident than I was before…

5. It’s just as rude to tell somebody they are too skinny as it is to tell them they are too fat. It chips away at my self esteem as much as it chips away at anybody elses’, and I’m sorry if other people aren’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated, but I can assure you I was not one of them. Not everybody isn’t going to be happy with how you look, but whose issue is that? It’s their own, and I’d suggest they keep it to themselves.

6. I mean this within reason. There are skinny people and then there are people with serious problems, as eating disorders are. Below is the link to the National Eating Disorders Association website. I’ve found the link for family and friends under Information and Resources to be pretty helpful in the past. I think one reason I’m so passionate about this, besides not enjoying having to deal with rude people, is that making every skinny person anorexic trivializes a serious subject.

Still, it’s probably better to be safe than sorry. =]

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

 

Dating Websites

Filed under: Sex, Dating, Body Image — Auma Afton @ 11:18 am
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1. The problem people have with dating websites, I’ve noticed, is high expectations. I’m pretty sure “short-term,” to a guy, is dating, “dating” is meeting someone and maybe having sex, and “friends” is a nice way of saying fuck buddies. Anybody who has “long term” checked scares me. You don’t need to be as cynical as me, but be careful. Dating websites require lowered expectations. This makes it easier when things don’t work and better when they do.  Of course, I’ve only used the free kind. I don’t know anything about e-harmony and the like, but I think you have to pay so they must be more serious. They definitely try to come off as serious.

2. Anyway, here are some of my experiences.  (Select details have been changed to protect the guys).

  • The Austrian-born guy, who, after we’d talked a little one evening, (a mostly one-sided conversation about how ugly and stupid the girls he had dated were), said he was going to kill himself if I didn’t go out with him. I didn’t really believe him, especially after he told me he didn’t actually want to die, “but seriously, I’m that lonely.”  I blocked him when I felt comfortable with that decision, and he somehow got around it a couple months later to say hi, so I know he’s okay. Well, alive anyway.
  • The Existentialist and I really didn’t get along at all. Everything he said rubbed me the wrong way, and every time I tried to explain how I felt to him he’d get something completely foreign out of it. The worst of it was that every time I said anything, he would tell me what that “made” me. Absurdest, humanist, existentialist, deist, none of which he could define, none of which I particularly felt came anywhere near defining me. One statement does not make a person, and neither does one word. Still, we remained friends until one of our deaths seemed imminent, and we haven’t talked since.
  • The Libertarian and I had awesome conversations. It didn’t go anywhere, but I liked hanging out with him. We talked about starting a cult based on the fact that DaVinci’s “John the Babtist” and Robert Plant look disturbingly similar. Everyone must have long curly hair. I think it makes about as much sense as Scientology, so it’s bound to be a success.
  • The Inch Worm didn’t get past the first date. He listed all his sexual encounters (along with the size and shape of the woman) while slowly inching closer to me. We were sitting on the grass at the park, and he “inched” by laying down, sitting up closer to me, laying down, sitting up closer to me, and so on and so forth until he literally laid himself across my lap to look at my cell phone. About a week and a half later he changed his facebook status to “engaged.” A few days after that, it was back to single. Hm.
  • Led Zeppelin wore his shoes every time he fucked me. It’s not like we had frenzied, no-time-to-get-completely-undressed sex. He just never took them off. I would look down and there his shoes would be, on his feet, below his naked body. It was disconcerting.

3. While dating websites are beneficial for the shy, and for those who allow their expectations to be deflated slightly, I can’t decide if they’re worth it. Socially awkward is one thing, threatening suicide is another entirely. And while not every user is…”unbalanced,” how can you possibly figure out which aren’t, save trial and error? I feel like I spend more time on dating websites weeding out the creeps than finding someone I truly enjoy spending time with.

Though I’m not sure how much different that is from meeting people out in the real world.

 

Sex isn’t a four letter word either. June 1, 2009

Filed under: Sex, Dating, Body Image — Auma Afton @ 3:50 pm
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1. I am not afraid of sex. I am careful, I don’t fuck just anybody, but I have no illusions about it. Sex is messy, sometimes loud, awkward at first, and rarely a Britney Spears perfume commercial. Vagina’s are weird looking, and so are penises. But I like them nonetheless. And while I’m willing to bet those girls giving blow jobs on the Internet are just really good actresses, (relatively speaking of course), and aren’t really THAT attracted to his dick, (I think my most disappointing sex-moment was when, directly after I orgasmed, the guy looked at me and said, “That was it? I guess this is no porn movie.” I’m sorry, was it supposed to be? Is it ever? Who the hell have you been fucking?), I’m also willing to bet that you like one or the other enough that just thinking about it turns you on.

2. What is it with guys and the term “making love?”

Us: Sitting on the couch, in the dark, 4-5 feet from his stoned and presumably sleeping roommate.

Him: “…do you want to make love?”

Me: “…are you really attached to that term?”

Him: “It just seemed more appropriate given the situation”

The situation? You mean the unbearably romantic setting, of course: stoned roommate + studio apartment + blanket to cover us just in case = making love. It’s more exciting, sure, but warrant for love making? Not so much.

3. To be honest, I’ve never liked the term “making love,” at any point in time, with any guy. I think it sounds cheesy, and while I’ve been in relationships where I understood why people use it, I still think it falls under the category of romanticizing sex. And while sex can be amazing with the right person, I make my love in other places.